Friday 23 February 2007

Jill's Fags


" IT'S A FAB PROTECTIVE FOR THAT TYPE OF A GIRLBUT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT SHE USES IT WELLIT'S THE THERAPEUTIC STRUCTURE I CAN USE AT WILLBUT I DON'T THINK IT FITS MY B.D. DRILL"

Protex Blue The Clash

I had always wanted a punk girlfriend, one that had spikey hair, bondage jeans, the whole makeup thing, but was still attractive and feminine. I met Jill `Option` through the various punk parties that were going on in and around Oakville. She came from the whiteoaks side of town, while I was from the Bronty area.
In the eyes of Gord and Kealan she lacked credibility, largely due to an incident at a Ramones gig where she allegedly chanted, ` we want the sex pistols - we want the sex pistols` all the way through the band's performance. The fact that the sex pistols were not on the line up seemed to be immaterial to Jill. We gradually drifted together and then about two years later we drifted apart. In the interm she came to manage zeroption although I remain to be convinced that she thought we were any good.

Our relationship started off as many do, friends, just friends. We attended a couple of gigs and messed around a little. Things became more serious after a Young Lion's show in Toronto. We had gone back to one of her friend's place and while listening to Gang of Four, I slipped my arm around her shoulder, it wasn't rejected, her friend raised his eyebrows at both of us and looked slightly disappointed. After that we started going out. To be frank I thought he was after her too, so I had to move fast. It later transpires he was more interested in me but I didn't know much about the gay scene in Ontario despite the fact that Toronto was known as the San Franciso of the North. The song that was playing at the time was `tainted goods` (as opposed to Soft Cell's `tainted love`) both, however, would have been a very apt description of the relationship. The irony ws not lost on either of us. She worked part time in a Chemists - which was handy!

In terms of her appearance she fitted the bill. She had fantastic spikely hair, occassionally dyed blue, a leather bike jacket, red bondage jeans, with the look beiong completed by a pair of black monkey boots I brought her back from Belfast, which in truth, were perhaps half a size too small for her. In terms of Canadians and my contribution to their foot related difficulties, I have done pretty well. Kealan, in particular, is scarred for life due to my attention to his digits. Not only did I buy him a pair of brothel creepers which were so small that he eventually pushed his big toe through the front of them, but I have also broken his ankle by repeatedly jumping on it as he drunkly crawled up Kirk Jackson's front garden. The cracking noise on my final attempt was a dead give away that all was not well. This was confirmed by his attempts to stand up right. Attempting to place any weight on the aforementioned ankle he immediately flipped over and groaned in agony. Initally I thought this was really quite funny, but soon realised that he was in real pain. I also managed to drop a beer bottle in front of him (which smashed) just as he was doing (a very poor impression) of the nutty dance, thus cutting open his foot. The problem was as our drummer, he kind of needed his feet. Anyway, I digress.

By this time we had rented a practice room above an office on the outer fringes of Oakville. Colin had left the band and Gord andI were sharing vocals, shouts, hysterical laughter particularly when he'd smoked too much of a certain substance.

We would trudge up to it most days after school and gradually put a set together. It also became a party place, which we shared with scared. Large volumes of alcohol was consumed - especially, when in season, superbock - illict substances were abused, as were any females that happened to enter the place. Chris X, one of the Oakville punk army, would frequently come round, grab the nearest female and attempt to perform incredible feats of sexual daring, often ontop of broken beer bottles and in full view of all asundry. Weeks later he would regail us with stories of his most recent trip to the clap clinic including going into lurid detail about the location, size and pain caused by whatever was growing out of or on top of his favourite body part.

Jill tolerated the parties but showed a healthy distain for the hangers on. She did begin to tap into the scene in Toronto and helped us get a few important gigs playing with the likes of Youth Youth Youth lead by the much moustached English guitarist Brian and the exceptionally talented and very good looking Young Lions, who later became pretty good friends of the zeroption and stole all our girlfriends!

Thursday 15 February 2007

Momofuku Ando RIP


Momofumi Ando, the inventor of the instant noodle is dead. After serving two years in jail for tax evasion and running a largely unsuccessful salt processing factory in Osaka, Ando turned his attention to the challenge of creating the World's first dried noodle. He discovered that by flash frying noodles he could preserve them until they could be reconstituted and eaten at a later stage.

As a tribute to this great man, I have written a haiku (Japanese poem) to celebrate his life and achievements (ahem):


Peel off lid,
pour on boiling water...
Wait five minutes, stir, consume.