M16: Pig Roast for Hippies

"I wanna wanna be a male model!"

Colin says, "Hi you look like one of the Undertones!" I think, "thanks a lot you fecker they all look like inbred Irish pig farmers from Donegal!" As far as I can remember these were the first words he ever said to me. Older than me by at least three years, he was very confident and affable. He had seen me in the Mall and had strolled right up to me and stuck out his hand. Dressed head to toe in black, black dyed hair in a quiff, black shirt (remeniscent of the Clash's give em enough rope period), a black leather motorbike jacket, black drain pipe jeans and a pair of black engineer's boots, Colin was black and proud! The product of two Scottish emigres, in terms of his dress sense and musical acumen, he had initially taken the route of most Canadian teenagers at the time, long hair, lumberjack shirt, GwGs and a pair of kodiaks and was into Genesis (the radical) in a big way, until he heard the Clash's first album and that had changed his life. If the Clash ever decided to reform and they called him up to replace their late, great frontman - he would be out the door and on the tour bus before you could say - "baaaaaaaaaaby, I'm your man!"

He worked as a chef during the day but had fronted a local band called the Vaguemen in his spare time. "Heeeello, before we start tonight's show, I'd like to introduce the er... group, band, umm...ensemble; on guitar, yes we have an axeman on guitar, on bass we have... a guy / girl or a person of indeterminable gender on bass, on drums... yes we have a drummer on drums and I'm the singer on... vocals and we're from... well we're from somewhere in central to central eastern Canada, yes we were, are and still are, the....Vaguemen. Canadians will tolerate a degree of alternative music as long as it is safe. I remember The Beat played at a festival in Oakville one year. Everyone loved the Beat. You could dance to them, impress your girlfriend with your moves whilst ignoring the subtle political messages that was woven into the fabric of their songs. They were followed by Killing Joke. The audience stood there in antipication, hoping to have some more of the same, only to have Jass Coleman, with a whitened face and large black rings painted under his eyes, leep onto them from the stage as the band tore into its first number. Girls fainted, grown men turned and ran, they called in the RCMP. Killing Joke were just too much for Oakville. The Vaguemen on the other hand were a band that were non threatening, were a band that your girlfriend would like and hence were considered to be...safe.

But Colin didn't want safe, he wanted to front his own band that would pay a degree of homage to what he considered to be the best punk band in the world. Moreover, it didn't matter if that band were called after a general issue assault rifle, had an semi-illiterate and moderatley innumerate undertone lookalike on guitar, a gay icon on bass and a poster boy for the young farmer's of Ireland on drums. As long as they could bash out a couple of Clash covers then Colin was a happy man, at least that's what we thought.

Our first serious gig as M16 the four piece was at a pig roast held by a number of Colin's friends who hadn't quite had the `Paul on the road to Damascus` conversion when it came to music that Colin had had. Having set up and conquered my nervous stomach by wedging a cork between my cheeks, I saw Colin (frontman extrodinaire), bounce onto the stage (in sympathetic Clash attire) looking good big man, with a fender telecaster strapped around his shoulder. He then proceeded to kick off the show by plugging in his guitar and after a-one-a-two-a-one-two-three-four (I had been at school in Canada for 6 months by this time so don't worry I could cope) he let rip in magnificant fashion. The problem was that we had been practicing for the gig for about three months and we had never practiced a set ever with Colin on guitar.

The rest of the band stood there... mouths open, aghast. I looked at Gord, he looked at me, we both looked Kealen...Kealan looked a the roasting pig and licked his lips. We then proceeded to launch into the same song in an attempt to catch up with Colin. I remember as a kid being taught to sing Frère Jacques, as a round, by my teacher. She split us into two groups and then taking on the role of conducter she started the first group off, "Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques, dormez-vous, dormez-vous, " whereafter she got the second group to sing exactly the same thing as the first group
had moved onto the, "morning bells are ringing" bit. Well this is exactly what had happened to us except we were attempting a version of brand new cadilliac and there wasn't anyone conducting. Ironically, Colin hadn't cottoned on to the fact that were totally out of time with him. He was standing at the front of the stage bashing away on the tele, head nodding in time to what he was playing, sweat dripping down his face, leg out, foot pounding up and down - "My b-aaa-by showed up in a brand new cadilaaaaaaaac...!" He looked great, he sounded great - but together we sounded like a pack of foxhounds unleashed on a group of feral cats mixed with a drunk toppling over a set of dustbins! Finally we managed to pull it together just as the song ended. Colin looked round at us and grinned...then proceeded to launch onto the next number. And so the gig went. I heard that Elvis' back up band used to take the cue that the song was about to start because Elvis would twitch his arse... in our case Colin was communicating with us telepathically - the problem was none of us could read minds.

M16 played a few more gigs - one in the turning point in Toronto. I screwed that one up as I couldn't get my guitar in tune. Colin convinced me to buy new strings by removing the original set with a pair of tin snips.

Finally he broke the news to us that the band wasn't going in the direction he wanted and that he was quitting. I was gutted. I am not sure the reason behind his departure. He cited musical differences - but I suspect that a lot had to do with peer pressure (not as good as the vaguemen was a comment he got after the pig roast gig) or maybe he just wanted to do something else. I can say two things about the M16 experience. The first that Colin was a really great guy. He was cool, charming, very funny but also incredibly kind (he once gave his entire month's salary to a charity, because they needed more than he did). I was genuinely sorry to see him go.

The second thing I learnt is that no-one is inexpendible. Faced with Colin's departure the three `am egos` had to decide what to do. Quitting was not an option` and we had `no other option` but to keep going. Hence we decided to become a three piece, play harder and faster punk rock and change our name to...zeroption.