Ho ho ho Canada

"I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars."

I arrived in Canada on the 17th of December 1980 just before Christmas. It was cold and they wouldn't let me into the country. "Take off eh, you hoser!" said the immigation officer, "you look kinda weird and smell funny!" Actually he didn't, he just informed me that I was a stupid paddy, with a chip on my shoulder, that didn't have the right entry papers, he was right on all three accounts. My uncle had to file a bond that would guarantee that once allowed into the snowy wastes of Ontario, I wouldn't do anything abnormal like ride mooses (which I believe is still legal in the more remote parts of Canada, even to this day). In truth the immigration officer did pass comment on my fashion sense. Now I have travelled a lot and in my experience my eligibility to enter any sovereign state has never been questioned because I looked different... except in Canada. Gaz had the same experience one year later, they keep him in immigration for three hours. What should I have learnt from this? That my adopted homeland was not only quite quiet but also quite conservative, with a small c of course.

Mike, my cousin, picked me up and took me to my new home on Selgrove Gardens, Oakville Ontario. I began a new life with my partially sighted uncle who had just got divorced to my Auntie Pat. Pat came out of the house as Mike and I pulled into the drive way, draped in furs and whafting of gin (Pat I mean, not me and Mike). She gave me a huge kiss on the lips and then disappeared into the night. The next day I woke up with the mother of all coldsores on my upper lip. "Hi I'm your weirdly dressed cus from Norn Ireland, I have greasy hair, talk funny and last night your mom gave me... herpes! The house was a split level affair that needed a clean and a lick of paint, but at least it had a pool...which was frozen. My mum joined me on the 24th and we spent our first Christmas together in Canada. I had and as far as I am aware still have, four Canadian cousins, Andy the eldest, Mike, Owen and Russ the baby of the bunch. Only Owen lived with us and was one of the nicest guys I will ever know. He also had one of the most comprehensive collections of porn I have ever seen, but I didn't find discover this until years later.

January and February of 1981 were awful. I was homesick and terminally, mind-numbingly bored (if only I had found the porn collection sooner). I missed my friends and being blown up or shot at. To begin with I spent hours watching repeats on American sitcoms. I have seen every episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show, Mash, Happy Days, Shirley and thingy and Joanie and Chachi.

There was one channel I was particularly fond of, UTV Buffalo. Not only did it share the same call letters as an independent televison channel in Northern Ireland, but Buffalo was particularly badly affected by arson attacks and hence the news on this chanel often showed images of burning buildings...I was beginning to feel more at home.